gardening my heart......

Ah.....this morning early I headed to my garden plot at the Community Garden site. It was early enough that I was able to enjoy the quiet time of just me and the garden although there was a beautiful cardinal that did keep me company for a while. The garden is new experience for me and it is a part of my country dream that I spoke of in my last post. I did grow up with a garden in our backyard but never took an interest in it. Now I have a big interest that began with the organizing of the Community Garden site. I wanted people to be able to experience the value of growing and eating good food. Initially it was more about them than me. The first year I didn't even have a plot. This year I have a plot with my daughter and we work on it together as a community of two and with the rest of the gardeners as a larger community. It works for everyone.

Our wonderful garden plot

growing like a garden should

If I had my home in the country I would have a garden just like this one. One where I can plant and water and weed and harvest. One that will feed my soul as well as my physical body. One that will inspire me to connect with the earth. This morning I was weeding along and could feel a blister beginning on my hand.......it didn't matter. I could feel the perspiration dripping off my nose........it didn't matter. I could feel the crink in my lower back........it didn't matter. I just need to be there with my hands in the dirt and a hoe in my hand. I need to pluck the weeds from the loosened soil and take them to the compost pile. I need to be among all those living plants and share in their beauty. It allows me to tend to the garden of my heart and for me that is a good thing. It's part of looking after myself after years of putting others first and pushing myself too far in other areas. The garden is a gift in so many ways for myself and it is a destination along the path of my life that is teaching me new lessons to live by. I love my little garden plot. It warms my heart and makes me smile..............

living in pretendia......

my morning walks' bounty

I came across this word 'pretendia' a while back and for some reason it resonates with me in terms of what I create in my pretend mind, but it by no means takes me away from my reality. Just an escape in my mind that serves me well in a particular instance. You might be wrinkling your forehead by now  wondering what on earth I am talking about, so let me explain.

My dream is to have a home in the country. It will be my dream home and will be a place where our children can come to visit with their children and make memories. I will walk the grounds and feel the peace and serenity around me. I see this as my dream and yet if I only focus on that dream then I am not living in my present moment also. So, I live in pretendia too. I live now in a relatively small city and have neighbors all around me. I have lived in this home for 18 years and it is the home that my children know the best. I love my home and it is always a work in progress to have it just the way I want it so that it feels warm and inviting for all. But I pretend that I live in the country :) My garden especially is the place where I envision the countryside. It is small, but it is so wonderful. I grew up in the country and my parents had a huge garden of both flowers and vegetables. Each evening after dinner they would go for a walk and look at all that was happening in the garden. I find myself now doing the same thing. Becoming familiar with each and every plant and looking for new leaves or buds. Maybe there is a new tomato starting to show itself in my container tomatoes or the basil is ready for picking. The lavender was just ready in time for my lavender lemonade experiment. Just several evenings ago the shasta daisies were only budding and ready to burst into bloom and now some of them are arranged in a vase. I took note yesterday of the purple clematis and how it changes from year to year in how it shows off its blooms. All of this is my way of living inside of my country dream before it happens and brings joy to my heart. I don't really know if my dream will ever come true, but I can live parts of it now and smile all the while.


Are you living your dream?

Namaste..........

where are we racing to...........

Have you noticed that most everything these days is done at a fast pace. We need to do things fast, get somewhere fast, work fast, eat fast, talk fast, listen fast and even to think fast. What are we doing? and why are we doing this to ourselves and setting this example for our children? I am one who was quite wrapped up in this for many years and still sometimes find myself in this state. A friend just yesterday told me that she was an expert at multi-tasking, which is another method of doing things fast. Doing several tasks quickly in an effort to get them all done. But why the need? Are we that short of time that we need to race through everything. We are rewarded for being able to multi-task though. We have been led to believe that it is a good thing when in fact I believe it is damaging. Our lives are running at full speed and I often wonder where it is we are all racing to. We are addicted to 'the fast lane' in many areas of our lives. We race through our morning routine with ourselves and the kids possibly so that we can get to work and move quickly through our work day. And then we need to race home to quickly put dinner on the table (or maybe not table and simply eat on the 'run') and then do who knows what during the evening (laundry, homework, errands, etc) to catch up on things that need to be done before the next day is upon us. This is all too much. Day in and day out of these habits will undoubtedly catch up with us either physically, psychologically or spiritually. It just will. But instead we have been brainwashed into thinking and believing that this is all a good thing. The more things you can check off your list the better a person you are. Whew!....makes me tired just thinking about it. We have been living with something called 'fast food' for years and years and to counteract that we have something called the 'slow food' movement. We need a movement to return ourselves back to 'real' food and how it benefits us and the planet. Once again we got caught up in the marketing of food that was based soley on brainwashing us into believing that fast was good. And we bought into it.

I know for me it was a way to 'accomplish' myself. I thought that with all that I could 'do' I would be seen as more valuable and worthy. So, for me it was personal and filling a need inside of myself. I look at others and wonder what their needs are and why they are racing through life. What are we missing out on though when we are racing through life. I'm sure we will say that we aren't missing anything, but we barely know that because we are simply moving too fast and wouldn't recognize it anyway. We have bought into the whole package of speed equaling personal power and reward. I'm just not so sure about this. Studies show that we are a frantic society. Studies show that we have more stress related illness than ever before. We are becoming bankrupt in our efforts to accomplish so much in such a small amount of time. The expression 'time is running out' is now so true. We are 'running' out of time to be able to change these habits in ourselves and turn a new page in our lives and how many pages are left to turn before the book is done. Can we affort to keep putting this off? When are we going to recognize all of this and make some changes. I know for myself it only happened when I saw that all this was making me sick......physically, psychologically and spiritually.
Inside of every moment there are only the same 60 seconds each time. It doesn't matter how fast we go, it is still only those same 60 seconds and if we try to fill that time with more and more we are going to lose alot. We must slow down.......we need to be more mindful, we need to see inside of the present moment and live in it. Once each and every moment is spent it is then history. It has been written and we can't go back to change it. We can though look at how we might spend our next moment and live it differently. We need to take the time to breathe........to slow down our lives and truly experience them in a way that won't look like a blur. For myself it has taken a long time to make the changes I needed to make. Some were big decisions that carried with them big consequences, but they were the biggest lessons too. I still have to be careful of my behaviors because life long habits and engrained patterns live long lives. Shaking them is sometimes hard. So I 'slowy' am slowing down my life and it is allowing me to breathe better, feel better and be a better person to myself first and then others. Half of my life is probably over and it took me this long to 'get it'. So the last half of my life will look different and thankfully so.

Start your own 'slow' movement and make the changes that you need to make and move forward in life. Start living life inside of each moment and feel each second of those 60. You will only have them one time. Yes, there is always another minute after the last one, but use it wisely. The old adage that states 'life is too short' is something we need to stop saying and start living today. I just don't want you to miss out on your life and hear you say that you wished you had had more time.....because you did have the time. We all did.

I wish for you joy in each moment.
Namaste.......

I'll be back tomorrow......I'm working the weekend with just one more day to go. See you then.....

falling rain.....

It's time for me to turn in for the night and the rain has begun again. It has been a day that has gone back and forth with sun and rain. To end the day with rain is perfect though because the sound is so very soothing to fall asleep with. I truly love the sound of the rain and especially at night. So tonight I am very fortunate to end my day with the gently falling rain. It is my gift at the end of a lovely day. Thank you for the rain for so many reasons...........

a lesson learned .......

my patient impatience

I have a flowerbed at the front of my house which is simply a bed for flowers. I bought a flat of impatience at least a week ago and it has sat nicely on my front porch since then. I was always going to get around to getting them in and yesterday it was on my list in my head to get them planted......well, it didn't happen. Yesterday was kind of a funny day all around and I was able to see inside of all of that later in the afternoon. I have a bad habit of self criticism that manages to beat my psychological self up quite well fairly frequently. This is something that is carried over from my childhood and I took over the reins when I moved out and became an adult. I have recently come to understand that this behavior is one that is one of the last lingering effects of my upbringing and I need to get a handle on it and let it finally go and I have been working on it for some time actually but in deeper areas. So this morning I wander into my back yard thinking about these flowers that are not yet planted and its like the lightbulb goes off! Here was this behavior again and these poor flowers were taking the brunt of it. All these little plants wanted was to be planted and show themselves off in all their glory......oh, and yes I do believe that plants have souls and are energetic beings. So when I realized that this old thought process had been revealed inside of this task, that was enough for me to grab the trowel and my gardening gloves and plant those wonderful little plants that had come home with me such a while ago. I marvel at how such a simple task can have such meaning wrapped up in it. 

A lesson learned for me and my reward is a beautiful flowerbed for the summer.

Our afternoon visitor.........

My grandson Brody and I were playing in the backyard this afternoon and were greeted by a furry friend. She wandered around the gardens for a bit and then found herself a lovely place to lie down and bask in the sun. She created a beautiful vignette.

what to do......

Imagine a day with no appointments, no mtgs, no errands and nowhere to be(at least not til 3pm) .....I'm having one of those days and am finding it difficult. I am so used to being on the run...being too busy and needing to get a hundred things done and now given the 'time' I am sort of lost. I know for me it's almost like a withdrawal. It's my addiction to always being busy. Living life in a hurried and harried way and then when it changes I can feel the discomfort. Yet this is exactly what I want......time to do what I want and not be dictated to by a full schedule events in my life. So I am living inside of my own lesson right at this minute.  How interesting that when you even get a taste of that which you desire.....it tastes odd. Be careful of what you desire in your life....you may just get a glimpse of it.

the lemonade experiment..........

I must share my lemonade experiment from the weekend! I wanted a nice summer drink to have alongside our wonderful barbeque for my daughter's birthday so I chose lemonade but I also used lavender in it. I wanted to make my own and found a recipe but adapted it a bit to my own liking.I am not able to tolerate sugar very well so I changed it up with a mix of sugar and agave nectar. Next time I think I can use all agave and it would still have the right amount of sweetness. I must say it turned out fabulous! I couldn't get over the wonderful flavor and perfect mix of lemons, limes and lavender it had. I was in lemon and lavender heaven! My kids were laughing at how I just couldn't stop raving about it. It was very much enjoyed by everyone and even little Brody liked it. So this recipe is now a keeper and I'm sure will become a family favorite!

evidence of early morning rain............

Clematis hosting raindrops

The rain from the night is evident on the fruits of my garden. The raindrops all sit gently on the petals and leaves as they awaken to the new day. Even in the calm breeze of the morning they remain on their chosen host and they playfully swing on the light air. Each raindrop today has it's own life and then as the day progresses it will return to the atmoshere to possibly fall again maybe in another place in someone else's garden. Today I am blessed to find all these raindrops in my garden.

   Thank you........



When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace

who is this woman........

I was finishing up my shift today and looked into the eyes of an elderly woman who was lying quietly in her bed. Our eyes met for a moment and I wondered just what she was thinking. Her steel blue eyes were calm, they were soft and they spoke a silent language that I longed to understand. I wanted to be able to read the words that I felt her eyes were speaking. I wanted to be connected to her thoughts and just what they would be. We had spent the day together as patient and caregiver, but did I even know anything about her as a person? I really only knew her as a name and diagnosis and what I needed to do to care for her. This woman though has a life story and a legacy. My mind drifted to a place where I imagined her as a young girl laughing and playing with  her friends. I'm sure she was once a young woman with hopes and dreams for herself and I couldn't help but wonder what they were. She has a life story, but is now too frail to share it. This woman is not just a patient in a hospital bed, but a woman who has had a life full of experiences and memories. What does she remember as she lies there day in and day out. Does she go back in time and think of all the wonderful times she had in her life?.....or on the contrary are there memories that she would rather not revisit. We are so, so busy in the health profession these days that we most often don't even have time to realize that we are caring for a 'person'.....not a disease or illness. We can't forget that our patients were people once who lived full lives and have a story to tell......whatever it may be. Everyone wants to be acknowledged during their lives and this woman is no different even as she lays in her hospital bed. Her eyes are asking us to see her for what she really is......a woman who lived a life the best way she knew how.........and has now handed over to us the gift of caring for her.
 She still has value......and she still has a life story.......not unlike someday I will have a life story and I would want someone to look into my eyes and wonder what mine was.

bird songs.....

It's late evening and I can hear the birds singing in my yard. It sounds different in the evening than in the morning.....Do you think they have morning songs and evening songs? I have to wonder......

A special day.............

Her birthday is not until Tuesday, but today I will celebrate with my family the "birth" day of my oldest child. A daughter Megan who was born into my life 31 years ago. I was but a young woman myself when I brought her home from the hospital and realized the huge task I had in front of me in raising this beautiful child. It seems like just yesterday that I walked up the side steps of our house on Weldon Ave and thought that. Since that time there have been moves to different locations and changes within the family. The years have passed and the journey has evolved to this point. Of course there were all the usual moments of fun and laughter and those of tears and challenge and we relished and survived them all. Overall my daughter Megan is a joy in my life. She is special because she is my first born and that is always a joyous thing for a Mom. She is a young mother now herself and witnessing this has been such a blessing. Our relationship has matured over the years and blossomed into one of friendship and admiration. I am proud of who she has become as a woman and a mother. So today we will celebrate her 31st birthday and I look forward to many more in our future.

I can say for sure...."Megan, I love you as big as the sky".

my day.......

What a glorious day it was today. Warm temperatures and bright sunshine all day and now also into the evening. I was out of the house early today to head to the local farmer's market to pick up some produce and flowers. It is my favorite Saturday morning thing to do. I really love the atmosphere that it gives to see all the many people come out early on a Saturday morning and gather together to celebrate the bounty of the local farmers and artisans. I picked up a cute little dress for friend who just had a little girl and then was on to the produce. A friend of mine is an organic farmer and she and her husband are always there with the most wonderful greens and vegetables ever! I love their stuff! She gave me a head of lettuce to try out and I used it in a salad for dinner and it was lovely. Fresh, crisp and tasty! I managed to fill my basket with healthy, nourshing produce which will grace my table this week. I then shared a nice lunch out on the deck here at home today with my youngest daughter Brianne. After that I ran errands with both of my girls and finally towards the late afternoon I came to find a quiet time sitting out back on the deck. But before long it was time to go to Megan and Wil's for dinner with my tasty green salad going with us. The day is now coming to a close and my grandson is sleeping peacefully in the meditation room. What a joy to babysit him tonight and wake up with him here in the morning. Just one of the many blessings that I have in my life. I am very fortunate to live the quiet and easy life that I do and I am forever grateful.

my local market bounty today ...........

There seems to be a shortage of "love" these days in the world.....

Let's start giving more

tradition.....

Each year my daughters and I go shopping. We don't go far, but we take the day and shop our hearts out and have lunch together somewhere fun. It's a day we all look forward to and mark on our calendars with excitement. And today is the day!!.....yay!!!. It is our 6th year to be spending the day together and for me it is most about making memories for all of us. I guess especially for them to remember long after I am gone and maybe if they have daughters they might also continue the tradition. I have found that as I grow older I want to create tradition for my small family. Tradition creates bonds between people and links us together. That is what I like about our shopping day.....it's a chance for us to spend time together doing something we all love to do mixed in with lots of laughs to nourishing our mother/daughter bonds. I want my girls to look back on these days and reminisce about all the fun times we spent together. It is a blessing to share in those memories......

....this is now a post script. Our day is done and wonderful memories were made. Every year there is new growth in my girls both in age and spirit. This year my oldest daughter is a new mommy and my youngest is a career woman on her chosen path. For myself this is a day I treasure. We as women and family take the time to spend this day together. It's perfect. It's one of my favorite days of the year. Thanks girls for this special time we share together. I hope you continue with this tradition even after I am gone. Love you both!

my yoga

Some mornings with my yoga are just better than others for some reason. Today was one of those mornings for sure. The stretches and bends and folds all just seemed to be perfect in terms of what I needed this morning. I just pick any one of the several routines I have on dvd and this mornings pick was obviously exactly what I needed....how great is that! I probably shouldn't be surprised because of course Spirit knows best and guides me where I need to be guided. My yoga has been a wonderful gift for me in terms of how my body is benefiting from it. I love the stretching it provides. I think our bodies become cramped and the stretching releases everything.

So wonderful !

World Blood Donor Day..........

Please find a clinic in your area and give the 'gift of life'. I work in the health care field and see every day the need for blood and blood products. It is a huge need and cannot be forgotten. Some day a stranger, my friend or family member or even myself might need this service and we need to make sure there is a supply available. In Canada call 1-888-2-DONATE and find out  more information for your area.

night dreams.....

hanging in the night sky
the bright moon shines
glowing down on me
wishing me dreams

who else is looking
at the moon hanging in their night sky
glowing down on them
wishing them dreams

we connect thru the moon
hanging in the sky
and we ......
dream

visiting with fear......

I visited with a long time friend today and witnessed fear in its raw form. Anxiety was coming out of every pore in his being. His eyes spoke a language that made me cringe and he trembled while trying so hard to be still. He was being paralyzed by his fear. It is incredible to see something intangible create such a tangible effect. I could feel his discomfort. I could taste the bitterness of the moment. It's hard to know what to say.........I searched for words that would help him but words were empty. The human spirit is very resilient, but this spirit is almost used up. Emotionally, psychologically and physically he is pretty much bankrupt and that is so sad to see. I fear the day that he will die of a broken spirit. A spirit that just could not come back from its personal devastation. I was seeing a life wasted and it breaks my heart. I listen to him and I support him the best way I know how......I'm not sure it is enough though. We talked for two hours covering many topics. The one bright spot in his life right now is a dog named "Maggie". My friend lost his dog "Jack" around 6 months ago and it was a huge blow to him. Jack had been his 'best friend'....and I had heard him speak of Jack as the most special thing in his life. Losing Jack was hard, but now 6 months later a new rescue dog was entering his life. Maggie as he describes her is bereft with anxiety.......so is my friend. This may be a key to them both being able to help each other at this time in their lives. This is what my friend believes and I must let him believe that. It may actually help. My heart is sad though that his life is at this point and is so unstable. He says he wakes up every day and hopes for a good day. Bless his heart. I might tend to think differently. One of my concerns is that he will die before he can experience anything different in life such as the absence of fear and a life without anxiety. It is eroding him inside and out. So sad.......I can only send him energy free of fear. May he recieve it and feel a moment of freedom.

I care about you M. May you find your peace in this lifetime........

a new day..........

It's the Monday following my weekend of work and it always feels so great to wake up to no workday and a day to myself! I do have things that need to be done, but they are all things that are welcome. It's a cool morning, the sun is shining brightly and the leaves are quiet on the trees. I am heading out on the road this morning  to visit a friend in Woodstock. We get together from time to time and I look forward to seeing him this. He had to put his beloved dog "Jack" down 6 months ago and has just this week rescued a new dog named "Maggie"....of all things.....my namesake ! Can't wait to meet her! I should take her some treats. I also have to make a trip to the farm today and pick up a basket of goodies from my friend Cathy. She and her husband own an organic farm and since I wasn't able to make it to the local market this week she kindly puts together an assortment of produce for me to take home with me. She is one of the dearest women I know. So hard working......whew! I admire her so much. By that time it will be time to pick up my grandson Brody from his daycare. His mommy is getting a pedicure after work so I get to pick him up and have some playtime with him. Lucky me! And then I think it will be close to dinner time and Megan, Brody and I can all have something yummy to eat. I think I will make fajitas.....sounds good! A nice close to the day.

I hope your Monday is exactly what you want it to be too!

Blessings........

my little friend Molly.....

The Relay For Life brings this story back to the forefront of my mind and I would like to share it with you all............

I have a little friend and her name is Molly. I met her 4 short years ago when she was born into this world. Her mother is my son's former girlfriend and we have always remained close friends.....she holds a place in my heart. When Molly was born it was a scary time. I remember recieving the phone call from her mother like it was yesterday. A frightened voice on the phone telling me of her premature birth and now the complications. Molly was very ill, but over time she surprised the world of medicine and she became well. A precious baby girl who was living her first year as babies do. She then was given a gift that would have never been seen as such at the time. She got bronchitis and then pneumonia. These were the gifts.....how so?? A visit to the ER to recheck her bronchitis yielded a surprising discovery. It revealed a mass on her neck. A very dangerous mass.....possibly cancer? This would have not been discovered without the bronchitis or pneumonia.  I remember that call too. I remember sitting in the hospital with family and friends while the biopsy was being done. Molly was 15 months old......far too young to be enduring all of this. When the type of cancer was determined the long haul began. Chemotherapy it would be since the mass was in her neck and surrounding major arteries.....therefore not operable. Another blow. A PICC line is inserted into her tiny little chest and the chemotherapy begins.....eight rounds of it. She loses all her beautiful hair and this really seems to bring it home to all of us. This is real.......I was so sad for her and her mother. But she endured all of this like a trooper.....she did it! She has been well since then and has been living her life exactly the way a little girl should.

What I need for you to know is that this small girl is a gift to all of us. I believe she came here to share her story with us and for us to learn from it. We are the lucky ones to know her. Life shouldn't be that tough when you are that young. It just seems cruel. But I believe her life was tough so that we can live our lives in a way that will honor all that she has gone through. It's the only way to make any sense of all of this. If you are having a tough day think of her tough days while she was an infant. She has taught me alot. She is a special little girl who today is living life the way any 4 year old should. She's just being a kid......and that's perfect.

Lessons in life come wrapped in various packages......

Blessings to you Molly.......

embracing silence.........

The world we live in is a noisy one to say the least. Our ears are filled with sound from the time we get up until we go to bed. We turn on the radio or tv sometimes just to have sound fill the room. We are often uncomfortable with silence. How interesting.......why do we not enjoy the silence? Does our mind need to fill itself with something?.......anything? We often hear people refer to 'peace and quiet' as something that they seek, but then when it is offered to them they move away from it and find themselves back in the "noise of life" because this feels most common to them.I can remember times when silence did bother me. When there was no sound around me my mind would race and my thoughts would create noise in my head. Not a good noise either.......a mess of thoughts that then I needed to be distracted from. Not anymore. Now I can find the solace and peace in silence that I deserve and that will assist me in becoming a more balanced person. It wasn't necessarily all that easy though. I had to let the silence into my life little by little and become friendly with it. Silence had to become my new friend. One that I could trust to bring good things into my life and not let my own self create noise to replace it. Slowly over time I connected with silence. I think that finding peace in silence is closely equated with finding peace inside of yourself. Being at peace with your inner self and expressing it outwardly is a way of sharing it. We don't need noise to mask our true thoughts and feelings. We don't need noise to fill a space that sits empty inside of ourselves. Silence gives our bodies the rest it so truly deserves. It is not a physical rest, but the effects of bringing silence into our lives does affect our physical body. When we take care of our psychological self we are also taking care of our physical self. It all works together. How perfect is that. I have always been drawn to the very early morning when the world has not yet awoken. I love the darkness and the silence that goes along with it. To me that is a perfect time of day. The quiet begins my day and carries itself with me. I can draw on that silence throughout the day when needed.

I came across this quote from Mother Teresa that encompasses an aspect of silence....
"See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grow in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls”
~Mother Teresa

Let the silence in and it will touch your own soul.
Namaste.........

The Half Moon.....

The night sky is dark

A half moon shines bright

The hum of coolness

Is in the air.

I look up at the dark

And witness the moon

It's beauty shines thru

All the darkness above.

See the light

See the night

Share in it's wonder.

disconnecting

I am way too connected to things that really don't need to be. I am online and have an IPhone that has a data plan. When I first got it I thought it was amazing. I recently got a text from my data plan provider and I was almost at my usage limit and still had a week to go before the next billing month started. I panicked because the charges are really high if you go over. So I stayed away from it. I took myself out of the loop of checking emails, Facebook and didn't Google map anything. Turns out I can do it......and I felt a big sense of release and freedom. I think this was a good thing for me to experience. We are made to believe that we MUST be connected to everyone and everything and then all will be right with our world. This is what they want us to believe. It's interesting because I have been pulling back on so much over the past while and letting go and all of that has been a good thing for me. I don't think that I would have even thought of the whole phone thing if I hadn't recieved the text about my data plan soon reaching its limit. So the text was a gift...it was an indicator of further letting go.......disconnecting from an empty habit. It doesn't mean that I won't check my email and go on FB, but I don't need to do this continually. We are so brainwashed into believing that this is the way the world moves and then we must move that way also. So, I need to step outside of this realm and move to my own beat. It actually feels good to take another step towards letting go and understanding what is really important in life.

back at it .....

I haven't been able to post for several weeks now and how is it that when you 'can't' post you want to so badly! Isn't that always the way. I think when I upgraded to IE9 that it all went wonky. I have to publish kind of a different way but it at least posts now. The frustration that the computer gives me when something goes wrong with it is a feeling I don't get with anything else in my life. It's weird.....I get really upset when things don't work out on the computer like they normally would. I guess it's just like my car....I expect it to start and go when I get into it. Maybe it's a signal to me that I need to step back from the computer a bit. I don't have a huge dependancy on it, but I like it to work when I need it. I have been thinking alot lately about 'disconnecting' from some multi media sources and maybe this plays into it too. I have decided that once my IPhone contract is up I will probably return to just a phone....sounds funny "just a phone". I think downgrading is a good thing. I need to connect more to my inner self than an external source not driven by a soul. I will stay the course and let you know how it goes.