Breaking my cycle......

Slow down, let go, ease up, sit back, breathe, relax..........all of these things remind me of what I need to do to make my life one that when I awaken in the morning I will look forward to my day with positivity. I have had all those years of stress and strife and have ultimately come to the point where I can see that much of that came from choices I made and the results spoke for themselves. It's taken me a long time but it has been my personal journey so it unfolded as it was supposed to and many lessons were learned along the way and some lessons I have just realized recently. I believe that each day has a lesson wrapped inside of it if we just take the time to look hard enough to find it. For years it was as if my eyes had a veil over them and I could only see so much and that only allowed me to live a limited life. But then maybe I was only able to handle just that at the time. I know there are things that I can only understand now and I believe that is much due to the fact that I 'get it' because I am looking at it with more maturity than when I was 20, 30 or possibly even 40 and have a multitude of life experiences to draw on. And the irony when I look back is that I thought that I "got it" at all of those ages and was moving through life pretty well. I really never knew there was a better way until I felt such unrest in my life and wasn't going to accept any more of it. I knew that there could be something better and it started a few years ago when I just wanted (and needed) life to be simple. I had managed to complicate it to the point that my health was now not only suffering but on the threshold of chronic illness. If I had continued with the lifestyle that I had chosen the door would open itself and I would have walked into my future of ill health. That was my wake-up call. It was time to step back and take a long, hard look at what I wanted my life to look like. But hadn't I already and for many years known what I wanted my life to look like? I had been saying it to myself for years inside of my head. I just wanted a "peaceful and quiet" life. Nothing big. Just a 'little' life. It was like a mantra in my head all the time. But I wasn't living it or choosing it and now I had been pushed to the edge and it was time to again make a choice.  I was addicted to my own stress and all that went along with it. It was as if  'busyness' was my middle name. How much could I heap on my plate and still perform? When my plate was full I just kept getting a bigger plate. That's easy enough! Little did I know that this was going to catch up to me. But I kept moving forward in this way and I knew nothing else. If felt as though I was at my best living like this and it was my familiarity. I was doing everything within my power to sabotage the existence of my peaceful and quiet life. I was living the exact opposite of what I was repeating in my head. People tried to tell me that I was doing too much and that I needed to slow down but inside I secretly felt proud. My ego was saying that I was going to be different than everyone else and would be able to handle it. I was going to show them all that I could sustain this crazy pace and be just fine. After all we live in a society that applauds extreme productivity and performance. So I figured that the more I could juggle the better I would be and I would be seen as extremely productive and then measure up to something that society decided was acceptable. I have come to understand now that we are actually damaging ourselves with these choices. I know this firsthand......I suffered inside of what I thought was a good thing. I was living a lie. A lie that I had in my head that did stem from my upbringing where only productivity was applauded and I was also told that I would not amount to anything valuable in life. And being a child I could only agree to what I was being presented with because they were in charge and I looked up to them. I carried this into my adult life even when they were no longer in charge of my thoughts and choices. As an adult I interpreted value as 'doing' as much as I could in life at one time and I would be rewarded with acclaim. My lesson to understand this differently has been a long time in coming but I am so thankful that now I truly 'get it'. It took ill health and near chronicity to have me finally understand all of this. I didn't listen to the whispers and then the yelling started. It turned into screaming coming from my body and then I finally listened. I really 'get it' now. Having this understanding has not necessarily meant that I awoke one day and it was all easier and simple. No, it has been a very difficult shift for me. My mind and body were addicted to the pace that is was used to. It had a set point that was very high. Slowly that set point is coming down and it is getting easier though. I am able to catch myself more quickly now when I feel myself sliding back into those bad habits. It is a daily task for me to remember to live life more in an 'easy' way. Life is no longer the emergency that I was letting it be. I now know how 'peace and quiet' feels and I will admit that sometimes it still feels uncomfortable because I was addicted to a hectic lifestyle for so many years. I sometimes have to give myself permission to relax and live easily. I'm getting there though. Living my life the way I had been in the past was very hard work and it felt heavy. Now that weight is gone. I'm so grateful that I learned this lesson when I did. I still have many years ahead of me to enjoy the quiet and peaceful life that I now choose......

Namaste